My initial thoughts about my paper are that it's well written to a point, but definitely needs some revision. Not only are there some oddly worded sentences, but there's also a a few misplaced words, thoughts, and opinions. Like the repition in the sentence "the delicious 9 grams of fat and deliciousness". I really like the first two paragraphs of the paper but I'm disappointed with the last three. I think I need to spend some more time developing the last couple paragraphs with more in depth opinions and thoughts.
One thing that I need learned from my peer feedback is that I could use some more figurative language developing my paper. I also learned that I will have one really strong paragraph and then follow with weaker ones, when I know that the ending of the paper should be the strongest.
From my partner's feedback I know that I should have added more facts about the Keebler cookies and Chips Ahoy cookies, rather than just fluff up my WhoNu paragraph. I can use polls, people's reviews, and other facts to help enhance my piece.
In this piece I was told I did a good job at describing how the cookies looked, tasted and felt, especially for the WhoNu ones. She said she felt like she could imagine exactly what I had been describing as if it was sitting in front of her. Also, there was good evidence brought in so that people didn't just read my opinion but facts too.
From doing this draft, I learned the importance of expanding all thoughts, not just the really good ones, to make my paragraphs more complete and even. I think that is definitely something I will continue to have to work on as I keep writing more and more drafts.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Blog #3
In this original introduction, I tried to match up what I was doing to what was happening at the same time with the 9/11 attacks. Of course I had no idea what was going on, so I was trying to portray how oblivious I, and everyone else around me, was to the whole situation.
New Introductions-
Asking Questions: Did you ever try to look back and think of the exact thing you were doing when those planes hit the twin towers? Have you ever tried to imagine what it was like on the streets of New York City at that time? Imagine the terror you felt while watching the flaming buildings on the news; now imagine you were standing 100 feet away; now imagine you were inside. Can you feel the burnt ash on your face? the dust in your eyes? The sweat and debris falling all around you? It's nearly impossible to even begin to feel that close to it. It's impossible to put yourself in that position; if you weren't there, you'll never truly know or understand, as hard as we may try to.
Open with a quotation: "Good Morning America, it's a beautiful day in New York with that summer weather still upon us. Let's hope we can hold on to it a bit longer!" the news anchor smiled at the cameras and fiddled with the papers on his desk. It was one of those perfect days when school had begun, summer had ended and people were happy just to be able to hold on to that bit of warmth that August had been kind enough to leave behind. Nothing bad ever happens on days like this.
Open with a striking fact: 2,996 people were about to die in my state, my home state where I had grown up and loved and never left. 2,996 were about to die and I had no idea; just like the rest of the world. Just like my mom who was rushing to get me to school on time, or my teacher who was sitting at her desk planning the day, or my sister, 14, who was only worried about the history test Mrs. Wilson had them planning for all quarter. My dad went to work, my mom cleaned the house, my sister went to school, and I was attempting to learn cursive; it was a normal day. And yet it wasn't, because 2,996 people were about to die and no one could stop it. Abnormal doesn't even begin to describe that epic day.
My favorite introduction is probably either the striking fact techinque or the or the quotation piece. I think they both bring something interesting to the paper but that striking fact really grabs your attention as you try to perceive how many people that really is.
8:20: American Airlines Flight 77, a Boeing 757 with 58 passengers and six crew members, departs from Washington Dulles International Airport in Fairfax and Loudoun Counties, Virginia, for Los Angeles. Five hijackers are aboard.
It was 8:20 am and I was about to enter my first full week of second grade. I walked downstairs after I got dressed, ate my cereal, and watched SpongeBob on TV, just like every other morning. My mom helped pick out my clothes; I was still nervous to leave her every day and go to school.New Introductions-
Asking Questions: Did you ever try to look back and think of the exact thing you were doing when those planes hit the twin towers? Have you ever tried to imagine what it was like on the streets of New York City at that time? Imagine the terror you felt while watching the flaming buildings on the news; now imagine you were standing 100 feet away; now imagine you were inside. Can you feel the burnt ash on your face? the dust in your eyes? The sweat and debris falling all around you? It's nearly impossible to even begin to feel that close to it. It's impossible to put yourself in that position; if you weren't there, you'll never truly know or understand, as hard as we may try to.
Open with a quotation: "Good Morning America, it's a beautiful day in New York with that summer weather still upon us. Let's hope we can hold on to it a bit longer!" the news anchor smiled at the cameras and fiddled with the papers on his desk. It was one of those perfect days when school had begun, summer had ended and people were happy just to be able to hold on to that bit of warmth that August had been kind enough to leave behind. Nothing bad ever happens on days like this.
Open with a striking fact: 2,996 people were about to die in my state, my home state where I had grown up and loved and never left. 2,996 were about to die and I had no idea; just like the rest of the world. Just like my mom who was rushing to get me to school on time, or my teacher who was sitting at her desk planning the day, or my sister, 14, who was only worried about the history test Mrs. Wilson had them planning for all quarter. My dad went to work, my mom cleaned the house, my sister went to school, and I was attempting to learn cursive; it was a normal day. And yet it wasn't, because 2,996 people were about to die and no one could stop it. Abnormal doesn't even begin to describe that epic day.
My favorite introduction is probably either the striking fact techinque or the or the quotation piece. I think they both bring something interesting to the paper but that striking fact really grabs your attention as you try to perceive how many people that really is.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Blog #2
Introductions: It is important to keep in mind the tricks and strategies that can help to create good, efficient writing and introductions. This piece gave helpful, easy ways that people can create distinctively creative and hooking introduction paragraphs. What I enjoyed from this piece was that the author told the audience that his purpose in writing the guide was help the students who cringe at the thought of writing and starting drafts. The fact that the author gave his/her audience clear and defined final points at the end made this piece very strong in my eyes, as I tend to become overwhelmed with long informative pieces. The points to keep in mind were concise, informative, and creative ways to help the audience become more competent introduction writers.
Beginnings and Endings: For this piece, I found it very helpful that the author gave more than a dozen suggestions on how to start your essay. He or she did not just talk at the audience, but instead gave ways that may help in the process of essay lead-ins. For me, I can relate to being stuck on a certain sentence or thought, not being able to completely get across what I'm trying to say. These tricks are great tools in selecting the right introduction for a piece. I also suffer from being a poor thesis writer, so for me, these tips seem like good ways to help clarify ideas and in turn make an effective thesis statement.
Beginnings and Endings: For this piece, I found it very helpful that the author gave more than a dozen suggestions on how to start your essay. He or she did not just talk at the audience, but instead gave ways that may help in the process of essay lead-ins. For me, I can relate to being stuck on a certain sentence or thought, not being able to completely get across what I'm trying to say. These tricks are great tools in selecting the right introduction for a piece. I also suffer from being a poor thesis writer, so for me, these tips seem like good ways to help clarify ideas and in turn make an effective thesis statement.
Blog #1
Welcome to my blog! My name is Megan, I'm a senior at Penfield High school and I'm 17 years old. I'm taking College Comp. in order to prepare myself for college style writing and assignments and to learn how to become a stronger, more competent writer. So far, I have learned about description, dialogue, introductions, conclusions, and the different styles of writing. Taking this class has already helped me to prepare for college because of the tricks I have learned and in turn used in my college essay. I am confident that by the time I am finished with this class, I will be more knowledgable than others on how to be a successful writer for my future assignments and classes.
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